Dealing with Your Darkside Part 3
Making Sense of the Insanity
by Patrick Means.
Another respected Christian leader
has an affair (this time, radio Bible teacher David Hocking). Another
spasm of shock shudders through the Christian community. Over and
over, we Christians are shocked and surprised when "good"
people do "bad" things.
But Scripture makes it clear that we all possess a dark side, despite
our faith in Christ. That dark underbelly of our human nature is
dauntingly strong and fiercely resistant to taming. "Wretched man
that I am," wails the apostle Paul, "The good that I want to
do, I don't do. But I practice the very evil I don't want to
do!"1
Dealing with our dark side is nothing less than civil war, and,
unfortunately, it's a war we'll wage until the day we die.
How can we effectively deal with our dark side? There are at least six
steps. We will discuss the first three in this column and the
remaining three in the next issue. All of them require a special
measure of courage, but in my experience, anything less is like
charging hell with a squirt gun.
1. Acknowledge the Insanity
This step is about breaking denial, about achieving a new level of
honesty about ourselves. We Christians are so used to describing our
lives the way we think they should be, rather than the way they truly
are.
The 12 Steps says that the healing process begins by acknowledging -
not just that we occasionally have a problem here or there - but that
our lives have become "unmanageable," and that we need God
to "restore us to sanity."
I was re-reading Keith Miller's excellent book A Hunger for Healing
recently, in preparation for leading a 12 Step group in a local
church. In his chapter on Step 1 of the 12 Steps, Miller talks about
the symptoms that might indicate one's life has become
"unmanageable" and "insane." After listing
symptoms such as "irritation and blaming,"
"uncontrollable, exaggerated feelings," and "forgetting
to do the things that nurture our relationships," Miller
summarizes:
We're frantic all the time. We've got
more to do that we can handle. But we're not really conscious of how
hectic and confused our lives are; we think it's temporary and
'normal.' When it becomes clear that it isn't temporary, we become
depressed about our lack of ability to 'get straightened out. . .'
This frustration and confusion are common symptoms of powerlessness
and unmanageability.
A tingle of shock ran through me as I
read. I recognized all of those symptoms as being my own. He was
describing my frantic, stress-filled, out-of-control life! I had
brushed the symptoms aside as "temporary" or "the fault
of someone else." But somehow, my own denial had cracked and I
saw that I was responsible for the chaos. What had started as
preparation to lead others became a humbling spiritual breakthrough
for me.
2. Identify Your Pattern
One recovery veteran I know defines "insanity" as
"repeating the same behavior over and over and each time
expecting different results."
As I looked at the symptoms of insanity in my own life I began to see
a pattern of self-defeating behavior emerge. I saw that I regularly go
through a cycle of overcommitting to some gargantuan project, task or
goal. I then press my wife Marsha into service to help me (because the
project is too big for me to accomplish alone), and then watch both of
us burn out as we collapse on the other side.
Three years ago I crammed a new marriage, a new job and building a new
house into one year, followed by us both collapsing. Two years ago I
volunteered (and encouraged my wife to volunteer) to plan and organize
a major regional recovery conference while simultaneously upgrading
and expanding this magazine, followed by us both collapsing. And this
past year we made yet another major move and launched a completely new
ministry! Despite the obviously dysfunctional pattern, I was blind to
see it from the inside while going through it because of the power of
denial.
I have always lived life in the margins. It's a product of the
"Hero" role I've cultivated in life - overachieving in order
to garner other's approval and praise. The energy to play out that
kind of dysfunctional role comes entirely from my dark side. But my
mid-life body and psyche have been telling me for some time that they
can no longer tolerate the levels of abuse I periodically put them
through. Nor can my wife.
It was a sobering moment when I acknowledged that the stress and
insanity in my life were not the result of "special
circumstances." I had brought these situations on myself, and on
my family. And I had had enough of the pain and the craziness. I was
finally ready to admit I was powerless, and to ask God to restore me
to sanity.
Your pattern may involve obsessing on a relationship, and on the need
to gain approval from an individual, only to explode in anger and
resentment when you don't get the level of approval you desired. Or
your pattern may involve periodic conflicts with your mate, followed
by numbing your pain with alcohol or some form of sexual addiction,
which in turn is followed by overwhelming feelings of guilt and
depression. Our dark sides express themselves in specific, predictable
patterns. We take a major step toward freedom when we identify our
patterns and "own" them.
3. Tell Someone Else
Recovery from the negative behaviors arising from our dark side
requires us to drag those behaviors out into the light. That's why
James exhorts us to "Confess your sins to one another. . . so
that you may be healed."3
Telling someone else in my case meant going first to Marsha. I
explained the insights I had gotten, took responsibility for my
pattern of brokenness, and apologized for the ways it had hurt her. As
is so often the case, being honest fostered true intimacy. In a series
of conversations with people who I had harmed I learned that, although
it is humbling, "making amends," as the 12 Steps calls it,
serves only to draw us closer together and to give us hope for the
future. And in dealing with our dark sides, we need all the hope we
can get.
1. Romans 7:24,19
2. Miller, J. Keith, A Hunger for Healing (HarperSanFrancisco),
pp. 16-22.
3. James 5:16
Patrick Means, former editor of STEPS, is a regular
contributor to STEPS.
The final installment of his four part series
on "Dealing With Your Dark Side "will be featured in the
next issue of STEPS.
Go to more articles from Patrick
Means in STEPS Magazine
NOTE: Reproduction in any form
without the express written permission of the author is prohibited.
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